When Daniel first died, it wouldn’t be long before I’d start to say, “I’ve heard everything under the sun at this point.”
I had heard every clichéd, overdone, annoying version of “live for him” you could possibly imagine. In those attempted spiels of inspiration, more people than you’d think would be stupid enough to say, “Don't worry, you’ll find love again.”
This one always infuriated me. To me, it insinuated that I had spiraled into a deep, dark abyss because I was ´single.’
How could you think so low of me that you believe my sadness stems from a fear of being alone? My father raised me to be
an independent soldier, capable of fighting her own battles. Do not insult him by questioning me in this regard.
No, I was grieving because I lost my best friend. I was consumed with sadness because it was no longer possible to hear Daniel’s voice. I was suffocating because a world without Daniel was even possible. To this day, I have circled the earth and my heart still cannot find the peace it once felt with Daniel.
But that’s the big question everyone wants to know.
“Do you think you’ll fall in love again?”
I used to growl and pounce on anyone who even raised the absurd question.
“Don't you see how much I love Daniel? Am I not showing it enough?,” I would say through a clenched jaw.
I don’t write pages upon pages about Daniel because he ‘kinda sorta liked me.’ I cannot stress enough how much time this boy took to delicately caress and love every single part of me. It was the equivalent of lifelong love compressed into three short years.
I was repulsed by the idea of anyone else. I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I didn’t even want them to look at me. That’s maybe another reason I didn’t like the “You’ll find love agains.” It was because I had already found love and I was holding onto it for dear life.
I’m not single. I’m just in love with a ghost.
I didn’t see the point in being with anyone else. They would never fully have my heart. They say it takes seven years for your entire body to regenerate new skin. In seven years, I’ll have a body that Daniel didn’t touch. I didn’t want anyone to interfere with the sweet feeling of him that still lingered.
And then I met Tyler.
To be continued….
Always with love,
Audacious Fool
This was so beautifully written.